The Ramblings of Drena Hardstead
The text below is an excerpt from “The Bashral Herald”, a popular Dwarvish publication. The author of the article, Drena Hardstead, is well-known for her provocative writings and propensity for causing diplomatic incidents.
Dearest readers, I am regretfully the bearer of bad news this week. Grave news, even. A human has written another book. And as your local literature critic (as well as food, travel, music, rock, and person critic), I have had the unenviable task of reading the aforementioned book.
Please allow me to start with a brief aside that considers the history of literature. Specifically, the question of “Who taught the humans to read and write?”. An offensive question to those of taller stature perhaps, but I have the most profound confidence that they did not develop this ability themselves. I suspect the goblins are implicated in this particular crime.
Now, why am I so confident that the humans did not teach themselves to write? I need not provide more evidence than the latest book produced by the humans: “Ancient Worship of the First Age by Pious Dingleby”.
Pious Dingleby? Well, I must commend the parents of Mr Dingleby on their choice of name, and must also commend whatever ancient human naming ritual led to the creation of the moniker “Dingleby”. It has resulted in a name that is almost too ridiculous to mock. But, I shall try my best nevertheless.
Bilious Dingleberry has published his magnum opus on the ancient religions and pantheons of various species and tribes across the world. And you will be horrified to learn, dear reader, that the dwarves receive a lengthy discussion in the pages of this wretched tome.
Mr Dingleberry first starts by writing that dwarves, a most noble and fierce people, fear the sun deity, Fusa. This is wrong and libelous on two counts. Count the first: Dwarves fear nothing. Although a strong distaste for the writing, music, cuisine, and general personality of humans could be misconstrued as fear, by an outsider. Count the second, a healthy respect for the sun is not cowardly! Humans may be content to have their flesh seared by a burning ball of flame, but us dwarves have too much intellect for that nonsense!
As if this was not enough cause for offence, Mr Dingleberry goes on to state that this is the foundational pillar upon which our entire culture rests! That dwarves carve our magnificent homes in the rock and mountains, because we fear the sun! Typical human arrogance! To suggest that our natural skill at mining, masonry, and a myriad other skills is born out of fear of the sun is nothing short of defamation!
I concede that the cool and refreshing shade provided by our homes is, of course, delightful. Avoiding the oppressive and sweaty sunshine is undeniably a boon of our lifestyle. The fact that Mr Dingleberry confuses this enjoyment with fear is testament to the easy confusability of humans.
Needless to say, I shall be petitioning the Table to immediately declare war on Saldoria, and all other human kingdoms. This slight cannot be allowed to stand unchallenged! Dear readers, I ask you now, prepare for war!
Drena’s petition for war against all human kingdoms was denied. She continues to threaten a visit to Pious Dingleby, but is waiting for a sufficiently cloudy day to make the journey.
